When a pregnancy ends in miscarriage it’s never easy for the people around that once pregnant person to know exactly how to respond. And many of them really are trying to be helpful and kind even when everything that is commonly said after losing a baby early in pregnancy seems almost depressing.
Here are some of the things that were said to me after I had a miscarriage that honestly only made me feel worse.
(THIS POST MAY CONTAIN AFFILIATE LINKS HOWEVER, I WILL NEVER RECOMMEND ANYTHING THAT I DO NOT BELIEVE IN OR USE MYSELF. YOU CAN READ MORE ABOUT MY DISCLOSURE POLICY HERE)
1. “You Can Have Another Baby”
When people kept saying this to me over and over, my first response was – “Yeah, but it doesn’t change that I lost that baby.” It is almost as if this is supposed to mean that you can just move on and have another baby right away.
Like that last one that you dreamed about and pictured a future with didn’t even matter. For my husband and me, the baby that we lost was still our child and we do remember that baby often.
2. “At least You Lost the Baby Early”
Okay, let me just say a disclaimer here. I have only ever lost a pregnancy at 5-6 weeks so I only know how it feels to have lost an early pregnancy, but for me, it hurts that someone would say that it was “good” that I lost the baby early.
Yes, I did have a natural miscarriage and did not have to go through major surgery to give birth to my baby that had died but it still hurt like no pain I have ever felt.
3. “It Wasn’t Meant to Be”
I do believe that there is a set plan for us all but there are still many times that we do not understand it.
When you have just spent the time even days planning out how your life will be different with a new baby, it’s an aching feeling to have all of that just ripped away right before your eyes.
4. “There Must have been Something Wrong with the Baby”
I know that a woman’s body is amazing at supporting a thriving baby, and when the baby is no longer thriving that same body takes the next step in moving the baby that has passed away out of the womb. Somehow this was not comforting at all.
Of course, everyone wants their baby to be perfect and have no issues at all, but if you really think about all of the “not so perfect” babies that are born into this world. I am sure that all of those parents would have rather brought them into this world than lost them forever.
5. “At least You Didn’t Know the Baby”
But I did know my baby.
Once a mother realizes that there is a life inside of her, she begins to bond instantly with her new baby. Even if it’s only for one day.
When someone says this I know that they usually mean that I didn’t even get to meet the baby. But as far as I know, most parents who have met their babies and had a chance to say goodbye have not had any regrets.
6. “Your Still Have your Other Child”
First of all, I am incredibly grateful that I had my daughter through this time when I had lost my second baby.
But at the same time, I was constantly reminded that I had just lost a baby also. I think it would have certainly been harder if I had not had a successful pregnancy the first time around and had a miscarriage instead.
7. “I Understand How You Feel”
Yes, miscarriages happen to many women every day. But every woman takes them differently. Some woman is able to look at that pregnancy as not a real baby, while others like me literally fall apart.
There is no way to truly know how another person felt about going through losing their baby so early.
8. “It Will Get Better in Time”
That same old saying that time heals everything. It’s not always true.
There are some things that can get better but those wounds are sometimes way too deep to heal completely. A mother’s love is one of the most amazing forces in nature and when she experiences a loss that force is still just as strong.
What You Should Say After a Miscarriage?
Sometimes the simplest and most helpful things to say to a grieving mom are:
- “I am here for you.”
- “I’m so sorry.”
- “Do you want me to stay for a while?”
- “What can I do to help you?”
- “I love you!”
It was on a Sunday when I Miscarried My Baby.
I remember it just as clearly as if it was yesterday, but in fact, its been four years this Thanksgiving Day when I surprised my husband with a positive pregnancy test. We had only been trying for a few months to get pregnant and we could not believe that we were already on our way to have our second baby and our daughter would be a big sister.
We celebrated and dreamed of how our life was going to be with two kids for 3 beautiful days. Until that Sunday morning. I woke up just as always and we were getting ready to head to church with such happiness in our hearts and just as I started to get dressed, I realized that I was spotting blood.
Am I Having a Miscarriage?
Of course, I had had a baby before and I knew that any spotting this early was not a good sign. The first thought that came to my mind was, “Am I having a Miscarriage?” My husband and I rushed into the Emergency Room to check on me and the baby.
Unfortunately, since I was only estimated to be around 4 – 5 weeks pregnant they couldn’t see anything on the ultrasound and the doctor was not able to tell me whether I was miscarrying or if we would still have this baby.
Fast forward a few days later and I was still bleeding but much more now. After having my blood drawn again and measuring my HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) hormone levels, my doctor told me that my numbers had dropped and I was, in fact, having a miscarriage.
What Happens During a Miscarriage?
Other than the bleeding that I had been having for days, I also experienced some intense pain and some of it even felt like contractions. I also became very depressed for weeks and was barely getting through the day.
None of my family members had ever had a miscarriage so there was no way they could understand what I was feeling. I felt such guilt. It was as if I blamed myself for losing the baby. Like my body had failed.
Depression After Miscarriage
It lasted for months. I was so wrapped up in the baby that I had lost, that I felt very numb. It was as if I had cried all of the tears that I could muster up and now I just needed to grieve.
With it being so very close to Christmas, I had such a difficult time smiling and pretending to be happy. I remember at a relative’s house someone else was pregnant and her mother in law asked her how far along she was. The reason it broke my heart was that I wanted to say, “My baby was due in August.” Even though no one realized that I was still hurting.
RELATED: The Truth About Parenting with Depression & Anxiety
Pregnancy After Miscarriage
I did end up pregnant a few months after having my miscarriage but I still feared the entire pregnancy that I would lose the baby. I even had a few scares where I had started bleeding and thankfully it was a false alarm.
But I have realized how much having a miscarriage really affected me. Once you have experienced that uncontrollable feeling of losing a baby when they were wanted and loved so much, it changes the way you look at life.
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I also just had a miscarriage after only 3 days of knowing I was pregnant. I was so happy to be pregnant, it would have been my 3rd child. I have been sad and angry and I haven’t told many people. It is so hard because I was feeling a little better but now I seem to have reached a new stage of grief where I am super sad again and I don’t know what to do with all the emotions. I want to get pregnant again because we really want another child but I’m scared to because I don’t know how I will feel during that pregnancy and I don’t want to act like this baby didn’t matter because he or she really did. And of course I have the fear that I won’t get pregnant again or it will take a long time to get pregnant. I just wish it had never happened.
I had four miscarriages before being pregnant this time (Now at 36 weeks), so I’ve probably heard so many cringe worthy observations/advice/condolences. But one of the worst was from a nurse at Darnall Military Hospital at Ft. Hood during a miscarriage follow-up. She told me she was sorry but “Most of the time, a miscarriage is just God’s way of fixing a mistake, Sweetie.”
I could tell it was just one of those rote things she probably told people during that type of follow-up, but it was flooring how completely insensitive and what a spiritual quagmire it was to think of God or the child I’d lost in those terms.
I really try to cut people as much slack as possible, because I think they say things that they think would make them feel better in the same situation, but there’s some fairly awkward implications to assigning a spiritual meaning to someone’s loss of a child.
I just suffered a miscarriage. It was a surprise pregnancy but so very wanted. The comment I’ve been getting a lot of is “now you know you can get pregnant”. They mean well but we wanted this pregnancy.
I have just suffered a miscarriage after only knowing I was pregnant for 3 days. I am heartbroken my partner and I had spent every waking moment for those three days secretly discussing names, planning what needed to be planned, I was struggling to work out how I could keep this secret for 5-6 more weeks until it was a reasonable time to announce it. I have a 9 year old daughter who I couldn’t tell I was pregnant so she doesn’t understand why I am so upset! I am trying so hard to be strong. I just don’t know what to do with myself I have been waiting so long for this baby and was prepared to wait another 8 months but now it will be more and I just feel like I have nothing to give but tears. It’s so hard to be around my little girl knowing I have lost a baby forever ?
Hey Thea. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers.